On your mark, get set, slow check-out!

Only some of you will know the three stores I refer to here, so I will give a quick run-down. BJ's is a wholesale club... kinda like Sam's Club, but a little nicer than the intrinsic 'WalMart' feel that Sam's Club has to it.Winn-Dixie is a grocery chain. Decent prices, enough selection. But it's the underdog, the grocery store you don't wanna shop at. That's because we have...Publix. Where shopping is a pleasure (Seriously, that's their motto- and they’re pretty much right). I never cared much about grocery stores. But with all this cooking in the last year or two, my Publix (that's right, my Publix) has really grown on me. In the last week or two, I've had party stuff to buy. So, among other stores like Wal-Mart, Big Lots, and Home Depot, I also payed a visit to BJ's and Winn Dixie. There is a truth that I feel I must share with you, because they have been feeding you lies.

In life, there are three kinds of lanes-
* checkout,
* express checkout (10 items or less), and
* self checkout.

It would follow that if the checkout lane is as fast as, say...a black lab (dog), then the express checkout would be as fast as, oh... I don't know... a dalmatian. I say to myself, 'Everyone in the express check-out has less, so it'll move faster.' Two problems: First, everyone has that same thought, so everyone goes to that same lane- like sheep. And second, the slowest cashier is ALWAYS the cashier working in the express check-out lane. I'm not kidding. It's like the law of gravity or something. So, the grocery stores have said to themselves, 'Let's give our customers another option. If they think they can do it better, let them try. Broo-ha-ha!' Going back to my dog analogy, if the express check-out is fast like a dalmatian, then the self-checkout has the potential to be like a greyhound. That’s insanely fast. But it’s only the potential to be as fast as a greyhound. Oh, how I have fallen for this. I still fall for this, every time. Why do I think I can get myself out faster? I'm so wrong. The self-checkout lane experience inevitably goes something like this.

Machine: Welcome. Please select English or Spanish.
I choose English.
Machine: Please scan item and place in bagging area.
I scan the item; it doesn’t read. I try again. Success!
Machine: $1.79. Please place item in bagging area.
I place item in bagging area. No luck.
Machine: Please place item in bagging area.
I smack the item around in the bag, push it down, destroying any fluffiness my fresh bread might have had. The bread, apparently, needs to weigh about as much as an eggplant to be recognized. The ‘assistant’ comes over (for the first time this trip) and punches in a code which I believe spells out ‘dumbest invention ever’ and then walks away. I pick up the next item, approaching the scanner with trepidation.
Machine: Please scan item and place in bagging area.
I scan the item; it doesn’t read. I try again. No good.
Machine: Please scan item and place in bagging area.
I wave it back and forth (not so good for the carbonation, as I find out later…). It has now, in 1.2 seconds, scanned my can of soda THREE times.
Machine: 39 cents. Please place item in bagging area. 39 cents. Please pla...
I stand there in shock. The assistant walks over, punches in her morse code sentence ‘what a moron’ and walks away. It’s like she and the machine have decided to take me on. But they don’t know me- Bring it on!

...So, I pick up the next item. This should be interesting. It’s a bag of marshmallows. They weigh next to nothing. I’ll give it a shot, though. I scan the marshmallows. Surprise, surprise... they don't scan. On the screen is an option to manually enter the item code. I click it. Put in the code.
Machine: Item not found.
I am all astonishment. The clerk comes over again. Of course the machine scans for her. She frowns at me.
Machine: Please place item in bagging area.
You know what's coming. It's inevitable. Marshmallows weigh about negative 2 ounces. They're like sugary-AIR. wOnDeRfUl... My favorite assistant comes again. I cannot imagine what she typed in this time. It wasn't nice. I know that much. I have one thing left. A ten-pound bag of frozen boneless-skinless chicken breast. It can't miss that. Bagging area - brace yourself!
Machine: Please scan item and place in bagging area.
I scan it. Ding!
Machine: $20.99. Please place item in bagging area.
I'm home free. I move the bag over towards the...
Machine: Invalid scan. Please scan item.
I look at the display. The chicken is gone. No more $20.99, after I saw it with my own eyes. Are you kidding?!?!

Seriously, self checkout is probably the worst option of all. I can't even talk about all the other crazy things that happened.