Coming Clean

I have a confession to make. Most days I don't get it right. For real. I waste time thinking about things that don't matter, planning for things that don't happen, and enjoying things that don't last. I forget that my life - my eternal life - was bought at a heavy price. And then it hits me. In the car. In worship. Going to sleep at night. I think 'Oh, God. I've screwed up. I've wasted precious time. I've seen my life through my eyes and not yours.' When that happens I'm grateful to feel that conviction, because I can know by that conviction that I'm really His. Still, I'm also overwhelmed by the realization that I'm still missing the point and not going deep enough with my Father.
This morning I had one of those moments. I've been shrouded in sadness, but going through the motions so people don't get too nervous. I've been focusing on loss, and wanting to wake up without the last month actually having happened. In chapel this morning I was just so overwhelmed with God's perspective - and the realization that I have fallen terribly short. We were singing 'Come Thou Fount' and I sang those sad, true words 'Prone to wander, Lord I feel it... Prone to leave the God I love...' I knew these words applied to me SO. much. more than I wanted them to. But then we got to the next hymn, which I can't remember ever having sang before. When we sang this part, it was so freeing:

When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end of all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.

It's a beautiful thing to come to a place where my sin overwhelms me, and then God reminds me of His grace, truth and glory.
I'm coming clean. I'm confessing. I haven't got it together - at all. I have royally screwed up. But He has me, and He's not letting go.