I'm talking in third person in hopes that it makes self-observation a little easier...
Anne Marie thinks she is a wall. A tall, deep, dug-in wall that can't be taken down. No one can really know what's going on inside. Only when Anne Marie lets down the little drawbridge so someone can cross the moat can anyone get past the gate.
But lately, the guard has been sleeping on the job. She wears her emotion on her sleeve, and it's a little harder to keep people out. Inside there's quite the wretched storm, but outside... well outside has to stay outside. So having the guard falling down on the job makes it a little easier for people to know that the proverbial poop has hit the fan.
And I just hate it.
And I equally hate the fact that I'm supposed to just share it with people that care about me. Can't the solution to my loneliness be to shut everyone out? I wish it were so. Against my will, God has kept nudging me, and people that love me have stood at the edge of the moat. And it seems that some of them have been hurt by what I thought was only hurting me.
For that, I am sorry. I never feel the need to be completely open, but it seems that I have to now... more than ever.
My name is Anne Marie, and I'm self-defeating.
What do you do, that you wish you wouldn't?
3 comments:
I know exactly where you are coming from.
My guard, like yours, has been in a coma for some time now and I am no longer the dead-inside, aloof, insensitive punk I used to be.
I'm not gonna lie, it sucks. Mostly because it makes one vulnerable. But on the positive side, God has surely blessed us with fellow haters who understand us and care enough to cross that drawbridge. yay God! and yay for you, my fellow emo hater. <3
I love you my friend:) And to think that I had to batter that drawbridge to death for months, nay, years to get a peak inside...it means you are growing and I am so proud of you. By the way, it was worth EVERY effort. I missed my partner in crime so much these last 10 days...
I love the community that falls under the headship of Christ. This is why God, in His infinite wisdom, gave us this need for fellowship and community. You cry on my shoulder and I'll cry on yours :)
Always here for you, AnneMarie
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